Category Archives: Humour

Grooming: How body lotion can confuse a man!

Ok so I am stood having a shower in the cottage we are staying in, and it is a lovely shower but then any shower is a luxury given we haven’t got one at home yet. It is amazing how much you miss a shower when you haven’t had one in about 3 months.

I am not a bath person, I just don’t understand baths. Yes it is nice to lay down and feel relaxed, but you are laying in your own filth. If you are going to relax then you need to have a bath, wash, empty the bath and run another one. This is time consuming and just gets stressful, especially if you have a 5 year old who likes to come in and have a poo on the toilet in front of you, leaving a lingering smell that just doesn’t go away because he can’t flush the toilet with its temperamental handle. Any thoughts of relaxation have now totally gone out of the window as you try your best to ignore the smell. Give me a shower, quick, easy and more hygienic.

Anyway I digress, so I am stood in the shower and I see a bottle on the shelf left by the previous guests, body lotion. Now I am not saying it is difficult to confuse me but this did. I pick the bottle up, ‘apply liberal to all areas of the body especially dry areas’. Well if you are applying to all your body you would include dry areas anyway, so why say it! Next do you put this body lotion on whilst you are in the shower or once you get out? If it’s in the shower you have no dry areas on your body because you are stood in the shower! If it’s once you get out, why is the bottle in the shower cubicle!

I opened the bottle and had a look. I would equate the texture to that of putty or a mud pack, you could probably grout tiles with it. Given it is a well known brand I assume it is meant to be like this. I am now convinced you put it on in the shower otherwise you would surly walk around looking like you had fallen into a mud puddle!

As soon as I attempt to apply liberally to my body the shower just washes it away instantly. Apart from a slight pleasing aroma of coconut I am not sure it did anything. Guess you do have to apply it after you get out of the shower after all. What would have been helpful is better instructions on how to use the bloomin thing in the first place. Let’s replace ‘apply liberally to dry areas’ to ‘apply liberally to the body once you have had a shower, paying close attention to dry areas. Make sure you rub into the skin to avoid looking like a walking swamp monster’. As I said it doesn’t take much to confuse me and for the record I am still not sure when you are supposed to apply it liberally.

I am now in a perplexed state and my mind. As I get out of the shower I see something else that confuses me, Aude de Toilette. I mean really what are you supposed to do with this? Is it a deodorant, is it an aftershave or is it something else?

Now I don’t think it is an aftershave because it didn’t do much for my face when I once attempted to use it after I had a shave! Equally when I put it under my arms It was too wet and I felt the urge to dry off with the towel again, which just meant my towel now smelled nice. So it must go on the body, but where?

I assume it is my chest area as my legs and arms are not normally smelly places. So after a couple of healthy squirts to my torso my nose confirms that I certainly smell nice now. But if it’s not a deodorant, and given I am a big guy who can perspire in warm weather, I will definitely need a blast of deodorant under my arm pits. If I am going out I will also need some aftershave on as well. A couple of squirts of Ted’s finest aftershave and I now smell like a walking perfume counter. The war of competing aromas circulating my body is making me dizzy let alone other people. People must think I have serious odour problem given the amount of smells that are now emanating from my body.

It is too much. Maybe I will use Aude de Toilette on my feet in future as that is an area that always gets over looked; poor neglected feet. After a long day it is certainly a place that could do with some pleasing aromas!

Like I say it doesn’t take much to confuse me!